Musings and Secrets

Dear Friend,

It makes me uncomfortable, the way you have been acting around me recently. Or at least I think it is only recent. It is the way have been complimenting me, and the excess smiles in our messages. It is how you so willing come over my house for a swim. Especially when it is just me and you. And how you told me you wanted us to hang out more. It all makes me uncomfortable because you have been like a brother to me our whole life. Anything more than that would seem strange. Foreign. I wish I had realized these emotions when we were much younger. Much more innocent. Before things would get complicated, because if this makes any sense, I secretly wish you were my first kiss. I wish our lips met when we were naive. Where it would be just two young kids, curious. Where we would laugh afterword and continue on one of our many adventures in the woods like nothing happened.  Where it would only strengthen our friendship. Where nothing would be strange because relationships did not exist back then. Where it would only increase my confidence in pursuing someone today. Maybe my fear of becoming close to someone would have severed. My parents volatile marriage would have no effect on my views of love.  Maybe I would not  be seventeen years old and still waiting for my virgin lips to press against someone else’s. Someones lips I genuinely care about, not just some hookup that my friends tell me to pursue. I wish you were my first kiss, but I hope you’re not going to be. If any of that makes sense. I do not want our friendship to be tarnished. And most of all I hope you are not hurt when you realize all of this. 

Love,

Your Friend

Awkward Hellos

Your eyes paralyze me in the halls
I pass and my eyes stiffen
fixated on the head in front of me
deciding whether to wave or keep walking
quickly I turn and throw my palm up
a simple hello is forced from my mouth
tightening and trembling my vocal cords
your head jerks quickly as you respond
Your confident demeanor hidden by 
your uncomfortable body language

Our shyness towards eachother is evident 

Trapped

Im starting to cave in
after years of holding back
and pretending i’m okay
because jokes and laughter
start to get old

Last year where’d you go?
I miss your smiles 
I miss your comfort
They all seem so distant now
with their own friends 
and their own parties

Its those smokey campfires
and late night movies
in my cold dark basement
the blankets were piled
The anxiety at ease

I’m glad you’re over your depression
you were getting me worried
but please help me with mine
Im trapped in an unfamiliar haze
screaming to get out. 

Dearest, I miss you

Can you reach out to me?
and tell me that I’m all you want
as you softly caress my arm
and warm me with your body
can you save me from my shy demeanor?
and dance with me in the yard
as we sing along to the stereo 
that has been collecting dust for years
Sir, can you please find me
i’m here, hiding in my softly lit room
awaiting for you to throw stones
against my small glass window
and take me into the night
to go skinny dipping in the lake
or eat ice cream in your car
Dearest, we have yet to be acquainted 
but I can’t wait for our fireside readings
and our daily tea time conversations
I know you may not be ready yet
and our paths have not crossed yet
but when they do, hug me tightly 
because I already miss you

The Stairwell

After hearing those guitar strings 
echoing through the stairwell
easing the anxiety down my spine
pausing the quiver in my voice
The daunting room appeared to be
just a little more illuminated
and the people seemed to be
just a little more familiar
My feet started taping
against the dusty rubber stairs
and my head swayed slightly
through the clean enriched air 
His mellow voice exposed my teeth
as he shouted in a burst of passion
and everything that once seem grey
was just a part of yesterday.

Consume Me

My stomach is crying 
and reprimanding me 
as I lie in a soft bed
slowly sipping on water 
and regretting the nights
of sugared teas and breads
and nostalgic for the days of
tiny blue dresses and 
secure poolside swims 
I wait now, away from the cabinet
for the desired gap
or defined ribcage to come
and just consume me. 

Secrets

Sometimes you need to just bleed and let your voice shake as you let go of what has been concealed. Because if it stays beneath your chest, it will start to multiply and taunt you in your sleep. It will make you sweat and tear and throw fists in the shower. You will cry silently in the crowds with teeth masked across your face, fake laughter falling from your lips. Just push them all out and lock your chest, so they can never return.